Leading conservative commentator and thinker Dr Frank Shizenhausen returns with a brutal assault on science.

The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change have released another huge report. Have you read it? No, me neither.

The scientists are emphatic that climate change is real, that it will cause real problems for us in the future, and that mankind is to blame. They say they have masses of data to back up their claims.

But Mike Hosking, the well-known journalist and broadcaster, disagrees. Mike doesn’t have any scientific background, which means he can assess the claims of these climate change experts free from the bias that even a rudimentary understanding of science would provide.

I have to say that I’m with Mike on this one. I very much doubt global warming is occurring. But if I’m wrong, that still doesn’t mean it’s a problem, or that there’s anything we can or should do about it.

The scientists have done a terrible job in trying to convince people that a problem exists, and they can’t even get their facts right. They keep saying temperatures continue to rise, even though this is demonstrably false. Why does it get cooler in winter if the Earth is warming? And yet winter rolls around every year, and every year we go from a warm and pleasant summer to a cold and chilly winter. Every year!

To be fair, I don’t understand anything the scientists have said about climate change. I don’t actually understand science. But that’s not my fault. Why do they have to make things so complicated? That’s why I prefer to believe that God created the world in six days, and on the seventh day he rested. It’s not that I’m particularly religious; it’s just easier to understand.

When the scientists start spouting their mumbo jumbo about changing temperature, I just zone out. I don’t know what they’re talking about, and all those big words leave me feeling intimidated. They are trying to make us feel stupid, so that we don’t ask too many questions.

So a word of advice, climate scientists: if you want me to take this business seriously, explain it in terms I can understand. I might have believed you if you’d blamed climate change on a herd of angry dragons melting Antarctica’s ice sheet with their fire.

Thankfully, Mike Hosking isn’t a lone voice when it comes to doubting the claims being made by the science community. His concerns are also shared by a number of energy companies and other large corporations. I don’t deny that the profits of many of these companies would be threatened in the event of a sudden change to an environmentally sustainable economy, but I find it very difficult to believe that the desire to continue to profit at the expense of the environment in any way contributes to their views on climate change.

It’s also refreshing to hear brave politicians taking a stand against science. I have always admired the ACT Party for its willingness to ignore scientific evidence, and their new leader Jamie Whyte has gone further and made it very clear that we should do absolutely nothing about climate change. Jamie, you’ll have my vote this election, although you had it in the bag already after your comments about incest. My sister and I both liked what you had to say on that issue, and you gave us fresh hope that things might soon change for us.

If temperatures were really rising, well I suppose that might become a problem for some people. But not me. I live in the far south. A bit more warm weather would be a blessing down here, even if it was to be accompanied by mass flooding, disease, savage and changeable weather patterns, and a mass influx of refugees fleeing from the chaos, war and poverty caused in other countries by the impacts of global warming. I imagine the whole mess could trigger the collapse of our society, but at least I wouldn’t have to pay any more taxes so that 21,000 welfare-bludgers could skip overseas at the taxpayer’s expense.

But there is no crisis, and there is nothing to worry about. The so-called experts are just trying to frighten us. Don’t listen to them. Everyone knows the scientist stereotype: weird-looking, socially-awkward, a terrible dresser, and mentally unhinged.  So why would I trust a shy shabby scientist over the confident and nattily-dressed Mike Hosking?