A message from the Royal Tour Committee

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The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are due to arrive in New Zealand today. They will be accompanied by their son, Prince George.

Any royal visit is a great honour, and we must do everything possible to make our guests feel welcome.

Above all else, we must always remember that these people are better than us.  William, and in turn his son George, have been chosen by God himself as futures sovereigns of the great British nation, and we must not question or seek to defy His divine will.

As obedient and grateful subjects of Her Majesty, we must show our royal visitors that we recognise and respect their special status. To that end, we have set out below some guidelines to assist those who find themselves interacting with the royal visitors. Adherence to these guidelines will help to avoid embarrassing incidents, and will ensure the royal couple are treated with the honour and respect they deserve.

Humility and deference

Always remember your place. You are bit dirt beneath the feet of these magnificent and marvellous people. You are but a dog, a worthless cur, a miserable beast who doesn’t deserve to even be in the presence of this radiant couple. If they spat on you it would be more than you deserved.

No matter what you think you have achieved in your life, it matters nothing to our guests. Do not bore them with your life story, because in comparison with our visitors you are an unremarkable creature. You may have devoted your life to helping the poor, but what of it? Were you chosen by God to be born into the greatest family of them all?

Do not speak unless you are spoken to by a member of the entourage. If the Duke of Cambridge should decide to risk sullying himself by speaking to you, then that is his decision. Do not interact with our visitors beyond what is absolutely essential and required for their personal comfort and safety.

Addressing the Duke and Duchess

We are told that the Duke of Cambridge despises long and pompous titles. It will suffice for you to address him as “my liege, my great lord, bringer of light, bright star that shines from the heavens, and saviour of humanity.”

Do not talk to the Duchess.

Women

Women, please make a special effort to please our visitors. Know your place, and do not make eye contact with either the Duke or Duchess.

While it has been traditional for women to curtsy in the presence of royalty, the Royal Tour Organising Committee have determined that regular gestures of deference will not suffice during this tour. If we are to demonstrate the depths of our respect and obedience, we cannot merely do as others do. So all women in the vicinity of the royal visitors will be required to place themselves on the ground, lying down with their faces down. If you are on the ground and the Duke should desire to speak with you, you will make your way forward with a slow crawl. Please do NOT look up, as this may offend our royal visitors. Where the terrain is particularly challenging for those called to crawl into the presence of the royal couple, members of the local welcoming committee will mark the path to be followed by painting a broken white line.

The Organising Committee have left no stone unturned in an effort to ensure this royal visit proceeds smoothly. We have scoured all known etiquette books, consulted widely with experts, and watched a large number of films. While watching the film Braveheart (which people may remember for Mel Gibson’s overly sympathetic depiction of the savage and murderous traitor William Wallace), we became aware of another custom that great lords once enforced against their subjects. To our knowledge this custom has not been observed for several hundred years, but we are determined to leave nothing to chance. So women, if the Duke of Cambridge should desire sexual relations with you, you should not refuse him.

Maori

If you are Maori, please ensure you remain in full ceremonial costume at all times.

Safety

All citizens should be mindful of the risk of disruption to tour activities by dangerous radicals. Be on your guard against signs of republicanism, and do not hesitate to alert the authorities if you suspect someone you know may be harbouring views regarding the British monarchy that are less than effusive.

GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!

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