A day in the life of Simon Bridges

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6:55 am

Apparently I signed a bunch of mining permits to allow exploratory drilling in areas of the conservation estate. It’s a bit harsh of the media to criticise me just because I don’t remember signing something. I don’t remember them ever doing the same to Russel Norman when he was a minister. It’s media bias, that’s what it is. This news media have got in in for National. The only ones who give us time of day nowadays are the major newspapers, radio stations and TV networks.

8:42 am

I see Don Brash is releasing his autobiography. I’ve always admired Don, and he was a great National Party leader who inspired me to get into politics. I’m a lot like Don, because I also entered politics to make a difference. When I saw what the left were doing to this country, I decided something had to be done. I will never forgive Russel Norman for the terrible things his government did during the early 2000’s.

11:13 am

I won’t let them rewrite our history. Other people may want to conveniently forget our recent past, but I remember everything done by the Greens during their time in office. It’s especially galling to hear the Greens talk about protecting the environment, when they have never done a single thing in government to preserve our forests, lakes or rivers.

4:33 pm

Fireworks in the House today, but I gave as good as I got. I really got under Russel Norman’s skin when I flung in his face his own record in government. He had to be rescued by Trevor and Winston in the end. I reckon John’s going to be delighted with my performance.

Wait, that’s the Prime Minister calling on the phone now. I’d better take that.

Hello?

Oh, yes, hi John. Yeah, good thanks. Did you see me in the House today?

Oh, that’s why you’re calling? What did you think? I almost had Russel Norman in tears.

What? Tears of laughter? Are you sure?

Um… yes, of course I know New Zealand’s recent political history.

What? He wasn’t? Not ever? Are you certain about that?

Look… couldn’t we just say he was a minister in the last Labour government? Surely no-one will check.

Yes, Prime Minister. Yes. Yes, yes I will, sir. I’m very sorry about that, Prime Minister. I’m sorry. So so sorry. I have let you down again.

4:49 pm

A parcel just arrived at my door, with a note attached: “Dear Simon, please read these. Love, Gerry”

Books! A History of New Zealand, and a New Zealand Atlas. The last one is full of pictures.

How interesting. I always wondered what that huge bit of land was called. South Island!

5:08 pm

I don’t know if I can go on. I have let the team down, and I’m now the laughing stock of the entire nation. Where do I go from here. Should I resign?

5:15 pm

Just asked Hekia what I should do. I told her I feel like I’m the weakest link in the entire Cabinet. I could swear I saw relief on her face as I said it. “Don’t you dare leave,” she told me.

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