It is not the usual practice of members of this family to pass comment on the remarks made by local politicians whenever a royal tour is in progress.

I hesitate to breach protocol on this occasion, but I am also mindful that my very young age will go some way towards mitigating any feelings of ill-will my impolitic comments may engender.

I am referring to news reports in which the New Zealand First leader Winston Peters claims to feel sorry for me. It would seem that Mr Peters is concerned about the amount of time the Prime Minister and Leader of the Opposition are spending among and around the royal party.

It was a considerable surprise to be drawn into this matter, I can assure readers. Grateful as I am for the concern Mr Peters appears to have for my welfare, I wish to assure the New Zealand public that there is no cause for alarm or worry. I am happy, well and healthy, provided I get my bottle on time. If I don’t, then by God there will be hell to pay.

My needs are simple and modest. Provided I am kept warm and dry, fed regularly, and given the opportunity to rest, I really have little cause for complaint.

I do not wish these remarks to cause an incident of any sort, because my position as the Royal Baby is one of privilege and comfort. I really do want for nothing, which is why I wish politicians like Winston Peters would desist from expressing concerns about my welfare.

Mr Peters ought to bear in mind that I am a baby, and that all I really do is eat, drink, sleep, defecate, and make cute noises. I can undertake these activities in the quiet comfort of my own home, or I can engage in these things just as capably in the presence of politicians such as John Key and David Cunliffe. Regardless of my eventual political leanings, which are in all likelihood going to tend towards the conservative (not that I would be so foolish as to announce them publicly), I do not see that any particular harm can come to me if I spend a few days on this royal tour being kissed by politicians. I trust that both John Key and David Cunliffe have been vaccinated against all major diseases, and that spending these few days around them will cause no irreparable harm.

Of course, I am just a baby, so my judgment in this matter should not be regarded as infallible. I am wont to lose my train of thought the moment anything shiny or noisy is put in front of me, and what thoughts I do have tend to be confused and muddled.

Nevertheless, I find it difficult to countenance even for a moment the possibility that my wellbeing or happiness are being placed in jeopardy as a result of the scheduling decisions made by tour organisers.

If you must know what really vexes me at this particular time, it is not the prospect of yet again seeing the face of the Prime Minister. I’m far more troubled by the fact that I seem just now to have filled the Royal Trousers.

Oh, the indignity!