The royal tour: the latest developments

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This site will be publishing up-to-the-minute coverage of the royal tour. We’ll tell you where William, Kate and baby George are, who they’re meeting, and what they’re wearing. You won’t need  to miss a single thing!

Tune in here during the day for regular updates.

Friday

6:22 am George wakes up. He burbles, then begins to cry. His nanny picks him up from his cot and gives him a bottle.

6:33 am William opens his eyes, then closes them again.

6:35 am William opens his eyes and decides he has to get out of bed.

6:37 am Kate also awakens. William and Kate talk briefly about the need to get out of bed and mark a start to the day.

6:38 am William goes to the toilet. Number ones.

6:40 am Kate goes to the toilet. Number ones.

6:55 am George goes to the toilet in his pants. Number twos. His nanny changes him.

6:57 am to 7:04 am William is in the shower. He also washes his hair.

Editor: This is getting a bit silly. Are you intending to record every single thing that the royals do? People don’t want to know about their personal hygiene or bowel movements.

Author: But I was just getting to the good bit.

Editor: Oh, righto, then carry on.

7:05 am William inhales. He then exhales. He inhales again, and then he exhales. As he inhales again he moves his left foot slightly. He then exhales, while moving his left foot back to where it was before.

Editor: No, I’m sorry, this has already gone too far. I am closing this post down.

Author: Do you think that’s wise? Our competitors might scoop us if we’re not reporting every single thing the royals do.

Editor: Competitors? This is a blog, not a commercial publication. Besides, how exactly do you know what the royal family get up to behind closed doors?

Author: I can’t reveal my sources. Don’t ask me to, because I won’t! Freedom of the press! Freedom of the press!

Editor: Calm down, you’re making a scene. Just tell me this: have you been secretly filming William and Kate?

Author: I can’t actually confirm one way or the other, but what if I have been? They’re used to being in the public eye.

Editor: I think even they would have an expectation of privacy while in their own living quarters. Don’t you realise that this could get us into terrible trouble? You can’t stick secret cameras where people are sleeping or showering. It’s illegal, not to mention morally wrong.

Author: Meh. I can’t see what the harm is.

Editor: Can’t see? We could go to prison! You idiot! You have to get those cameras out, now!

Author: Don’t blame me. This is all your fault. You do it.

Editor: My fault? How? HOW??

Author: You and I are one and the same person. You can pretend to maintain this fiction that the editor of this site is a different person to the blog author, but there is only one person. You are me. It’s a bit sad, really.

Editor: Oh. Yes, I see.

Author: I don’t want to tell you how to run your own site, but don’t you think it’s a bit strange that you’ve published a conversation you’re having with yourself? Did I say strange? I meant totally bonkers.

Editor: Well look, I’m under a lot of stress right now. It’s this royal tour, and the pressure I’m under to keep producing cutting edge material is intolerable. I’ve not been invited to any of the official engagements, so I have to survive on scraps. It’s not easy, and I’m worried that my readership could diminish if I don’t keep publishing a steady stream of stories about what William had for breakfast, and what shoes Kate was wearing. I guess the pressure has made me do some strange things.

Author: Fair enough, but shouldn’t you stop talking to yourself now?

Editor: Yeah, you’re probably right. Will you take down the cameras then?

Author: Let’s leave them up for another couple of days. If things get saucy in the bedroom tonight we could have a real scoop on our hands.

Editor: Imagine that. We could be bigger than Whaleoil!

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