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Let us all celebrate the birth of a royal baby. It is a special time. A time for great joy, and a reminder that these people really are much better than us.

I haven’t seen many pictures of the latest addition to the royal family, but I’m sure the new princess will be adorable. The Cambridges don’t have it in them to make an ugly baby.

It seems as if nothing else of importance is going on anywhere in the planet, because the birth of the princess is dominating world headlines. There was euphoria as the news of her arrival broke, and now we will be treated to feverish speculation about the name her parents will choose for her.

But that’s how it should be. Let’s not pretend that this is just another baby. She isn’t. She’s far more valuable that you or anyone in your family will ever be.

It’s unfair, isn’t it? Why must these pampered and privileged royals dominate our lives? None of them have ever known a day’s hard work, nor have they had to endure hunger or any kind of financial discomfort. They have more money, fame and power than any of us, and are much better looking.

But so what? There no point in complaining about the way things are. So life is unfair. Most of us worked that out long ago.

It’s not your fault that you just don’t rate when compared to these people. Unlike William, Kate, George, and this new member of the royals, you weren’t chosen by God. I’m not exactly sure what role God played in your creation, but if his divine hand was behind your entrance into this world, then I’d have to say he was having an off day. I suppose even omnipotent beings can sometimes get it terribly wrong.

You can console yourself with all the good things you have in your life, if that will make you feel better. Sure, your job gives you feelings of great worth and allows you to imagine you are making a difference. But you’re not. For all the hard work you may be doing trying to make the world a better place, it’s nothing compared to the things a member of the Royal Family can achieve should they set their mind to it. Imagine what you could do if only you had their vast wealth, power, status and influence. It’s telling that these people can’t generally be bothered with any of the things you think are important. Maybe it’s because they aren’t just richer and more famous than you will ever be. They’re also better people. The things you think are important just aren’t.

You can rail against the inequality and injustice of a hereditary monarchy if it will make you feel better. Go on, give it a try, see how that suit fits you. Not very well, I’ll bet. This indignation does you no credit. Why do you fight against the natural order of things? In feudal times the peasantry knew who their betters were, but it seems that the Enlightenment has given some people ideas above their stations. When set against the splendour of the House of Windsor, your own life resembles nothing so much as a dungheap.

I’m sure you think you have much to enjoy in this empty life you lead. You may well have wonderful kids and a loving family, but compared to the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge’s cute babies, your own children are decidedly ugly. You may tell yourself that you have better luck in love than most of the Windsors, given the divorce rate within the Royal Family, but that’s only because you’re safe and stable. Safe and stable are admirable qualities when it comes to bridges and aircraft engines, but not so much in humans. You are dull, uninteresting, boring, tedious, sleep-inducing, wearisome and commonplace. Whatever dalliances, amours and affairs of the heart you think you may have had over the years, they are sordid and shabby when compared to the great romances enjoyed by our royals. There will be no Woman’s Weekly cover story for you, I’m afraid. The inanity of your life would send any woman’s magazine editor reaching for their bottle of anti-depressants. And even if your story of love, failure, success and redemption happens to be a powerful one, there’s only so much they can do with Photoshop.

Nobody made a fuss when you were born, apart from a few of your family members. I’m sure they were very happy when you popped into the world, but there was no grand international outpouring of joy and excitement, was there? How many media were outside the hospital waiting for news of your arrival? Let me guess. Would it be a number less than one?

Yes, the Windsors were born lucky and privileged, but that’s not the whole story. They were born that way because God loves them. Now God is meant to be an all-powerful and all-knowing being, so if he chose these people to have wealth, power, success and fame, it must be because they really deserve it. It also explains why things have gone so badly for you. Face facts. God doesn’t necessarily hate you, but I’m not sure I’d describe his feelings for you as love. More like amusement, I would have thought.

You will never amount to anything, but that’s no reason to feel bitter towards your betters. You will die in obscurity and squalor, most probably surrounded by your own filth, and you will go unmentioned in any of the histories. It’s just how it is. You may like to think we are all equal in death, but we’re not. When a member of the House of Windsor passes, there is an international outpouring of grief. All of England will stand still during their funeral, and world leaders will attend the ceremony.

But that’s just the beginning. If there is a heaven, nothing can be more certain that that the Windsors will fly there first class. When they arrive they will be given a red carpet welcome by Christ and all the saints, and invited to sit at the head of the table with God and all the other bosses.

You, on the other hand, will arrive after-hours. You will wait in darkness outside the Pearly Gates, shivering and hungry, and when they do finally open for business you will queue for hours. You will discover you didn’t bring the right paperwork and will have to visit another department, which will mean yet more hours of queuing, and a lot of awkward questions about all the lousy and worthless things you did when you were alive. And then there will be the masturbation issue. Didn’t you ever hear the saying All things in moderation?

When you are finally allocated your role in heaven, it won’t be as an angel with a harp, but most probably as a sanitation worker. What, you think this won’t happen? Where do you think all that ambrosia goes after it’s been eaten by the angels? Do you think it just magically disappears?

The Windsors are better than us, and their babies are better than our own. It’s just the natural order of things, so don’t waste your time wallowing in despair, sadness or indignation. Just be happy for the arrival on Earth of a baby that will never have to deal with any of your shit.