Above: the Glivadagli Unity Flag. This confusing, messy and disgusting eyesore is flown at all significant Glivadagli gatherings.
While pundits can’t all seem to agree on whether Labour engaged in race-baiting or dog-whistle politics this last week, I think we can all at least agree that it can be useful from a political perspective to find a group of people to blame for all our troubles.
But the problem with blaming others is that innocent people usually end up getting hurt. This is particularly true whenever we start discussing race or ethnicity. Even if we accept as a fact the proposition that offshore Chinese buyers are making Auckland house prices unaffordable, the inevitable result will be the vilification of anyone who looks Chinese, whether or not they are resident in this country.
But the political utility of race-baiting cannot be ignored. Whether we like it or not, politicians will keep going back to this particular well. So we need to find a way of heaping scorn on entire ethnic groups without causing any real harm.
I may have the solution.
Let’s imagine we could all agree on one particular race or ethnicity to blame everything on: from house prices to unemployment. If every economic or social woe was the fault of this particular group, then we could target all of our societal hatred on them, and we would be collectively better off as a nation. All humans are inherently racist at some level, though some much more than others, so it would be like lancing a boil.
“But this is a terrible idea,” I hear you say. “What about the poor people we end up picking on?”
I have thought of that, and that is why this ethnic or racial group will have to be an imaginary one.
So may I present to you the Glivadaglis (it’s okay, I googled it, and I’m pretty sure there’s no group of people actually called the Glivadaglis).
Let me tell you a little bit about this disgusting and deceitful group of people.
A short history
Glivadaglia is a province in the north of modern day Fluferia. The first mention of Glivadaglia in any history comes in 1862, in the diary of celebrated Austrian explorer Hans Gerner. Gerner’s diary contains brief notes of his encounter with “a sickly and green-skinned people whose toilet habits are disgusting, and whose sexual practices are depraved.” He went on to describe what he saw during a short stay at one of their villages:
“While the Glivadaglis do not appear overly religious, they relish human sacrifice, and any picnic or social gathering that does not involve the ritual incineration of at least one small child is usually regarded by these people as a contemptible failure.”
Little more is spoken in the history books of these people until 1922, when in the midst of the chaos surrounding the collapse of the Greater Fluferian Empire a group of Glivadagli rebels seized the capital city, Do Biddley, for a short period and demanded the abolition of all bread products. They were eventually driven out of the city by imperial troops, but not before they had massacred all of the city’s butchers, bakers and candlestick makers.
The province of Glivadaglia was in rebellion for most of the 1920s, but the rebellion was finally crushed by forces loyal to Cecil McWomberton, who later became the first President of the Republic of Fluferia. McWomberton stamped out the odious human sacrifice practices of these people and forced them to eat bread, and he also established a school system in the province for the first time.
However, Fluferian authorities soon learned to their horror that gathering all of the children in one place for the purposes of education only served to provide an easier way for the Glivadaglis to indulge their lust for cooking young flesh. Schools were routinely burned to the ground, usually with all the students trapped inside. A crackdown by authorities led to mass unrest, and the resulting chaos forced thousands of Glivadaglis to flee from their homes. Thus began the first of many waves of mass emigration that would eventually see many Glivadaglis settling in New Zealand.
There was ongoing unrest in Glivadaglia right up until the 1970s, including a period in the late 1940s when the GNF (the Glivadagli National Front) won local elections and its leader Sul Mul Pigwiddle became governor of the province. Pigwiddle’s first move was to declare Glivadaglia allied to the Axis powers. His second move, on hearing that World War Two had ended two years previously, was to campaign on improving the province’s telephone and communications infrastructure.
The oil shocks of the 1970s hit the people of Glivadaglia especially hard. Almost all traditional Glivadagli meals are made from petroleum, so the oil shortages led to a famine across the entire region. This in turn led to another wave of emigration, and further waves followed subsequently as the Glivadagli economy collapsed due to endemic corruption and a shortage of blue cheese.
Glivadaglia is now a sparsely populated region of Fluferia, but over a million people around the world continue to identify as Glivadagli. They continue to observe their very many odious and unpleasant practices, and although there is no evidence (at least in New Zealand) of widespread human sacrifice among the Glivadagli people, a number of children have been reported missing in communities with large Glivadagli populations.
Religion, customs and beliefs of Glivadaglis
Most Glivadaglis identify as being Equinian. Adherents to Equinianism believe that the Earth is a giant horse’s bottom. The Equinian gods are largely benevolent, and human sacrifice is not strictly a part of Equinianism. Glivadaglis just really enjoy burning people.
Many Glivadaglis regard bread-eating as blasphemous, although a breakaway sect dating from the seventeenth century believes that bread-eating is perfectly normal and acceptable. These differences in belief have at times led to tensions within the Glivadagli community, although in recent years community leaders have worked successfully to reconcile the different warring groups, by reminding them how much they hate everyone who is non-Glivadagli.
A spate of bakery bombings around the world in recent years has been blamed on radical anti-bread groups. Although there have not been bombings in New Zealand, Glivadaglis here have long argued that bread should be abolished, as it is utterly offensive to them.
Some unintelligable mumbo jumbo.
Other interesting facts about Glivadaglis
- Glivadaglis have green skin. This does not appear to be due to natural skin pigmentation, but rather because as young babies they are fed petrol instead of milk. This makes them more flammable than other humans. And it means they stink.
- They are also extremely hard workers. One Glivadagli can typically do the work of up to eight non- Glivadaglis. The rising unemployment rates in most Western countries can be directly linked to employers preferring Glivadagli workers over others.
- Although Glivadaglis are hard workers, there are also record numbers of them on welfare. This is probably because they are working illegally, and paying no tax as well.
- Their birthrate is four times higher than the national average. If this rate continues they will have quite literally taken over the country within the next ten years.
- Although Glivadaglis are not permitted to perform human sacrifices under the laws of all decent Christian nations, they continue to indulge their obsession with burning things. They especially enjoy burning down houses. So much real estate has been razed to the ground in the last five years by these green-skinned monsters, that there is now a shortage of housing, and the result has been a massive increase in the price of residential property. Glivadaglis are directly to blame for Auckland’s housing crisis.
What do we do now?
Surely we can all agree that these Glivadaglis are truly horrible people. They are a danger to our society, and especially our babies.
Talk to your local MP and demand stern action against the Glivadagli menace, and throw your support behind political parties prepared to take a stand on this issue. Hopefully there is one party prepared to take a tough stance.
I’m looking at you, Labour. Let’s crack down on these people. We can be as racist as we like, and nobody will get hurt. Why wouldn’t we do it?