Dear Dame Susan,

I wish to express my outrage at your plan to ban Christmas.

Christmas Day is one of my favourite days of the year. It is a day for worship, for family, for eating and drinking, and for listening to Uncle Arthur as he goes on about the bloody Muslims and how they ought to go home if they don’t like it here, usually just before he vomits up his eggnog and is left lying on the floor in the recovery position to sleep it off, a bucket nearby in case he should throw up again.

And yet if you had it your way, we wouldn’t be celebrating Christmas at all. We would all be strapping on our suicide vests and walking into the nearest crowded shopping mall chanting “Allahu Akbar!”  At least that’s what I think you said. I’m reading between the lines here, based on what Duncan Garner wrote. 

I’m not sure what you have against Jesus, Dame Susan. I can only guess that something happened in your past that now motivates you to dishonour the birthday of our beloved Messiah. What was it, Dame Susan? Did Jesus catch you doing something you shouldn’t have been? Or maybe it’s just petty spiteful jealousy. Maybe it pisses you off that Jesus is a better squash player than you ever were. He’s bound to be. If he can turn water into wine, then smashing a rubber ball around a room ought to be a breeze.

It’s also telling that you haven’t written to advocate the banning of other ethnic festivals or holidays. It’s just Christmas you’re after. Why not ban Diwali or Eid? What about Hanukkah?

I have tried to find the exact words you used that got Duncan Garner so worked up, but it’s no surprise that your offending words seem to have disappeared entirely. I’ve been searching the internet, but I can’t find anything to suggest that you want to stop us enjoying our Christmases. No doubt you quickly deleted everything when Duncan Garner outed your nasty PC plan.

Once something has gone onto the internet it is almost impossible to get rid of it entirely. And yet you managed it, didn’t you? Such are your powers to shut down anything you don’t like, even when it is you who said it, that you can make pretty much anything disappear overnight. Your powers of censorship are terrifying, so we should all breathe a sigh of relief that Duncan Garner was willing to defy you on this.

This is not the first time you have crossed a line. You claim you are not trying to tell anyone what they should believe, and yet you continue to insist that people not be nasty racists. But what business is it of yours who I choose to racially vilify? If I wish to stir up ethnic hatreds across the community, how can that be any of your concern? Don’t you have better things to do with your time than stick your nose into other people’s racist business? The racism I engage in doesn’t hurt anyone. It’s a victimless crime, it really is. No people are harmed by it. That’s because I’m fairly certain the targets of my racist taunts are less than human.

But this time you have gone too far, Dame Susan. You have threatened Christmas, and then you have tried to hide the evidence of your wrongdoing. You may have deleted all of your hate words so that they no longer even exist, but you weren’t sharp enough to fool Duncan Garner. Oh no, Dame Susan!

It doesn’t matter that the only evidence of your PC plan to bring down Christmas now quite literally resides solely in Duncan Garner’s mind, because you chose the wrong man to mess with. I look forward to Garner taking you down a peg or two over your non-existent words, and to the eventual abolition of your hateful office.  Your sort of monstrous PC tyranny has no place in a modern multicultural society in which everyone does what the white people tell them.