Your first job will be to help me find some better stock photos

Dear media people,

Some exciting positions have become available here at Imperator Fish. I’m looking to hire at least three interns to help produce content and raise this blogsite’s social media profile.

How would you like to work for one of New Zealand’s top political blogsites? Sure, it would be great, wouldn’t it? but they’re not hiring. Lucky then that I am.

In your role at Imperator Fish you will be producing cutting edge snackable content that is as unfunny as it is grotesquely offensive. You will annoy and enrage ideologues on the right, and will be compared to Josie Pagani by your former friends on the left. When you’re not writing content for this site, you’ll be instigating Twitter flamewars. You’ll deride Giovani Tiso, and will bait Matthew Hooton until his head explodes (again). You will further fan the fires by writing unkind things about feminism, LBGT people, ethnic minorities, and Taylor Swift.

Does this sound like you? Wouldn’t this sort of role look fantastic on your CV? And let’s face it, things are looking pretty shitty for you right now. If you haven’t been made redundant from your media job, you will be shortly.

This role offers real flexibility, which is great if you have a young family or a part time job. There is a 70 hour per week minimum commitment, but I really don’t mind when you work those hours. And with a role as exciting as this one, why would you even want to sleep?

Did I mention that these are all unpaid internships? But that shouldn’t be a problem for you freelancers out there. You’re already used to working for virtually nothing. They way things are going in your industry, you’ll soon be paying them. So why not get some modern media experience behind your belt, before you go back to serving meat pies to drunks at 3:00 am at your local Caltex station, or cleaning toilets?

These internships will be highly sought-after, so get in quick. Let me know if you’re interested in one of these positions.