It’s been a tough year for many, but what does the new year hold in store? Will things be better for us all, or can we expect another mountain of shit to be dumped on our heads?

Below are my predictions. These are all good predictions, the very best predictions you can get out of a bottle of gin. And if these don’t pan out, I’ll be back to edit the shit out of this post.

So here goes…

1. Donald Trump will make America great again.
2. No celebrities will die in 2017.
3. Martyn Bradbury will be arrested under the Terrorism Suppression Act 2002, after a series of hilarious misunderstandings concerning his “Bomber” nickname. Sadly, he will be released.
4. Desperate to restore his crumbling financial empire, Cameron Slater will team up with Alison Holst to launch a new range of gourmet products, including chutneys and olive oils.
5. The All Blacks will lose the Bledisloe Cup after Beauden Barrett has a shocker with the boot. Identity politics will be blamed.
6. Chaos will grips Europe, as Britain rejects the EU and France elects a fascist for President. An unlikely hero will emerge to save Western Europe, by the name of Phil Collins.
7. Humiliated in the 2017 general election, Gareth Morgan will turn his back on politics and move into the cod liver oil business.
8. Andrew Little will be accused of smiling. An internal Labour Party investigation will determine that he was in fact just grimacing in an unusual manner.
9. The many opposing factions in Syria will finally agree that the whole thing was a big mistake, and nobody is to blame, and let’s just all agree to be friends now.
10. I will post material here more than once every two months.