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The coronavirus has made it to New Zealand and seems likely to spread through the country. But how alarmed should we be? Are we looking at mass casualties like we saw during the 1918 pandemic? Or will this just be the equivalent of a particularly nasty flu?

I didn’t have all the answers, so I decided to find out. My readers come here to be enlightened, educated, illuminated. So I figured the very least I could do was spend a few hours researching the facts and ordering my very own medical degree online. As a result, I am now licensed to practice medicine throughout the Delta Capricorni star system.

With this newfound expertise in hand, I am ready to answer some of your most pressing questions about the coronavirus. So here we go.

I read on the internet that I can avoid the coronavirus by drinking bleach. Is this true?

You shouldn’t believe everything you read on the internet.

But this one’s true. If you drink a full bottle of bleach every day, I guarantee you will not die from the coronavirus.

There’s a lot of hysteria around about Covid-19, and people are panic-buying at the supermarket. Is all this panic justified?

Of course not. What good will panicking do? The gods have marked you for death. Accept your fate and try to make the most of what little time you have left.

I have a slight fever and my joints ache. Could this be the virus? What should I do?

The good news is that you could be suffering from one of many ailments, including just the common flu. The bad news is that one of those many ailments is the coronavirus. Another is Ebola. Have you started bleeding from your eyes yet?

But should I self-isolate, in case I have an infectious disease?

Just continue as you are, sitting alone in your bedroom, deprived of all meaningful human contact for days at a time as you trawl through the internet seeking answers for the emptiness in your life. You’re doing great.

I recently returned home from a trip to China and have chosen to self-isolate as a precaution. Just me and my cat for two whole weeks! Am I doing the right thing?

Yes, well done for doing the responsible thing. I’m glad to hear your cat will be there to comfort you in your final hours.

I have heard that the death rate from the coronavirus is about 2%. Is this true?

For most people the chances of dying are much lower than this. For example, for those under 40 the death rate is about 0.2%. The disease tends to kill those who are elderly or have other medical complications, which is why across the board the death rate is about 2%. So the actual percentage is different for each demographic.

Sadly, for your demographic the death rate is 100%.

Should I wear a face mask?

In your case a paper bag over the head will be much more effective.

Neither will prevent the spread of the disease.

Simon Bridges says New Zealanders need tax relief to combat the effects of the virus. What do you think?

Tax relief is Simon’s answer to every problem. But he may have a point this time. As our society inevitably collapses from the weight of the many economic and social shocks triggered by Covid-19, and as small communities of wretched people cling to life amidst the rubble of our once-mighty cities, scratching through the ruins for something, anything to eat, and fighting other groups to the death for what few resources remain – sometimes with little more than sticks and clubs as weapons – it will be some comfort that marginal tax rates have reduced.

Should I avoid going to Chinese restaurants and meeting with Chinese people?

Yes.

You sound like a horrible racist, so please do the Chinese community a huge favour at this difficult time and keep away from them.

I have heard that the virus was deliberately created in a Chinese lab. Is there any truth to this?

See the above.

It’s sad how people resort to these absurd racist conspiracies when the truth of the matter is much more mundane – that Covid-19 is part of a dastardly plot by Deep State Illuminati Freemason Reptilian Shapeshifters to create a world government devoted to mind control.

Is there any treatment for the disease?

There is no vaccine yet, so most medical interventions generally involve managing the worst effects of the disease while giving the patient time to recover.

Sadly, there will be nothing doctors can do by the time you get the disease, as they will be overwhelmed by demand for treatment. So you might want to start looking at other options. Have you consulted a priest?

I consulted a priest, as you recommended, but he was infectious and now I have the disease.

So even God hates you now. That’s rough, though not all that surprising.