Hamilton 2024: Our Olympics Bid

One City…One Event… One Opportunity. The iconic Waikato River weaves its way dreamily through this picturesque city of gardens and chlamydia, and visitors often remark that they would almost certainly dive into its waters, were it not for the dairy run-off making the river too polluted for swimming. Our magnificent town square, Garden Place, easily…

Same-Sex Marriage Bill Threat To Civilisation

Authorities and financial institutions are preparing for trouble, after a bill seeking to legalise same-sex marriage was drawn from Parliament’s Members Bill Ballot. Early indications that the bill will have sufficient support to pass into law have led to panic on the financial markets, as financial institutions anticipate a flood of people trying desperately to…

What’s He Up To?

Only a few weeks ago he was the enemy, a despicable monster who had turned his back on the people of New Zealand. Now he’s being portrayed as a hero, ensuring that two progressive pieces of legislation will go to a second reading in Parliament. Peter Dunne may be up to something. He claims he…

Playing The Man

I have decided to devote a whole blogpost to the making of fat jokes at the expense of Gerry Brownlee. There are so many reasons to dislike Brownlee without resorting to cheap-shots about his weight, and I’m not actually going to make any fat jokes, because the very thought of using someone’s weight as a weapon…

Make It A Day To Remember

The internet is filled with disagreeable people. People whose opinions I have difficulty respecting, because those opinions are so offensive to reason. However, I’ve always tried to engage sensibly with those views I disagree with. I have always believed that changing minds through intelligent discourse is more productive than shouting at people. And yet the…

Apiata Decides To Spend Less Time Killing People

Victoria Cross holder Willie Apiata today confirmed he would take a break from the SAS in order to focus on not killing people. Apiata will work with the youth charity High Wire, an Auckland outdoor pursuits organisation that helps at-risk children and does not kill people. His role will involve mentoring children, teaching them life…

Treasury Report To Prime Minister On Meteorite Activities

This report has been prepared for the purposes of verifying the Prime Minister’s statement on Tuesday 17 July 2012 that it was unlikely a meteorite would hit the earth that afternoon. Having comprehensively reviewed a number of economics journals that we agree with, we can find no evidence that a meteorite struck the Earth on the afternoon…

Crowdsourcing Justice: A New Pilot Project

The Justice Ministry has announced a trial of new technologies to make the justice system more accessible and accountable to the public. Beginning on 1 August, proceedings in the High Court in Wellington will be streamed live on a dedicated website, and online viewers will be able to interact with trial participants in different ways.…

Uncle Ernie: They’ll Never Get My Water

I’ve never liked water, and I don’t trust what they put in it. I’ve always been opposed to the fluoridation of water, because nobody knows for sure what harm it is doing to us, apart from the scientists. The scientists claim it’s harmless, but I never trust anyone who says they have all the answers, unless he’s…