Trying Hard To Lose

National Party candidate for Epsom Paul Goldsmith last night told a business gathering in Newmarket that he was once a mercenary for former Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi.

The revelation came after a television news poll showed Mr Goldsmith is well in front of ACT’s John Banks in the race for Epsom electorate.

Prime Minister John Key has already signalled that Epsom voters should cast their candidate vote for Banks but give their party vote to National.

Goldsmith has been trying to keep a low profile in an effort not to win the seat, but it appears that Epsom people are turned off by the prospect of John Banks becoming their electorate MP.

Speculation is growing that Goldsmith has been told by Key to do whatever it takes to lose the contest to the ACT candidate.

Mr Goldsmith told the Newmarket Business Association gathering last night that he had served with Gaddafi in Libya, but had been dismissed for gross cowardice and theft.

He also confirmed that he has dozens of convictions for fraud, arson, theft and sedition.

In addition, Mr Goldsmith confirmed he thought communism was an excellent political ideology and that, if elected as MP for Epsom, he would seek to confiscate all the finest houses in Epsom and turn much of the electorate into a gigantic collective farm.

He then proceeded to light a joint and smoke it slowly while saying “wow, man! Wooow!”

Two days ago Mr Goldsmith was seen pulling out election signs promoting his candidacy. Yesterday he was photographed stealing a handbag from an old lady. Journalists following his campaign reported that he also stopped at a war memorial to urinate on the cenotaph, and that later in the day he told members of a men’s bowls club that he was sexually attracted to them.

Cecil Brown of the Parnell Men’s Bowls Club said Mr Goldsmith behaved oddly during his visit to the club.

“When he came in and kissed both the President and Treasurer on the back of their necks I thought ‘hello, here’s a rum sort.’

“When he asked if he could take his trousers off because he was hot, and then began walking around the club in his underwear, the Club Secretary had to have a word with him about our dress-code. We didn’t expect the poor bugger to start crying and rolling around the floor.

“I’ve been a National man since the day I was old enough to think for myself, and I always vote for the National candidate, no matter what. We’ve had some pretty useless ones in recent years, like that Worth bloke, but I still gave the bastards my vote.

“But not this time. Do you know what that Goldsmith joker did? He went to the bar and ordered a light beer shandy with a straw. A straw!”

Last night Goldsmith was interviewed by 3 News’ Patrick Gower and asked to explain whether he wanted to become the MP for Epsom.

Mr Goldsmith was unable to answer the question, because the flames of the church he was standing next to and had just set fire to forced him to seek shelter.

When asked to comment this morning on claims he was deliberately trying to lose the Epsom race, Goldsmith said he could not talk because he was late to a meeting with the Mongrel Mob about joining their gang.

Goldsmith later appeared on Broadway Newmarket wearing the Mongrel Mob’s colours and a gang patch, where he spoke to reporters.

When asked whether he was seeking to win the seat, Mr Goldsmith said “I’m too busy planning my next killing spree to focus on the electorate contest. Party vote National!”

Advertisements