Why Labour Will Win

Sometimes I’m asked why I support the Labour Party. People assume that because I’m a highly-paid professional I ought to be supporting the party that offers me the biggest tax cuts and, well, screw the rest of the country.

I tell people I support Labour because there’s more to life than personal financial enrichment, and that I believe in social justice and a fairer deal for all.

But that is just some bullshit I made up to explain the real reason why I’m supporting the red team. Let me tell you the real reason.

Labour’s going to win on Saturday.

You may scoff, and you may chortle, but it’s true. I know it for a fact. I’m well aware of what the opinion polls say, and normally I would agree with you that to turn the deficit around in the space of a week would require an enormous effort and a lot of luck.

But this is going to be one hell of a week.

The real reason why I’m a Labour man is I always back a winner.

I’m going to let you in on a secret. My late mother had a gift. Call it the power of second-sight if you like. She could see things and sense things that others could not, and could predict future events with uncanny accuracy.

She never had much to say about politics, but I firmly believe some of her powers have passed down to me. I have seen the future with perfect clarity and I know exactly what is about to hit the fan and why John Key is about to have the worst week of his life.

Here’s a brief summary of what we can look forward to.

Monday

After a busy afternoon of campaigning, the Prime Minister has one too many cameras pointed towards him. He reacts by punching the cameraman, smashing the man’s equipment up, and then screaming abuse at the journalists nearby.

“When I have full control of this country, I will destroy all of you! I will have you all killed!” Mr Key will yell while the cameras continue to roll.

Tuesday

While campaigning in his Mt Roskill electorate, Phil Goff will see smoke coming from a nearby house. He will rescue twelve children from a house fire, despite being seriously burned. When asked what he thinks of Mr Goff’s heroism, John Key will remark “It’s a shame he got out alive.”

Wednesday

A special New Zealand Herald investigation will reveal that the only reason the government’s books are in deficit is because John Key has been spending millions and millions of taxpayer dollars at the TAB.

Thursday

Police will arrest Mr Key after the Prime Minister again assaults journalists, this time leaving seven of them in hospital. Key will spend the night in prison.

Friday

Mr Key will be bailed, and to the waiting media scrum outside the Auckland Central police station will break down in tears and admit he has been living a lie.

Key will confess to stealing the identity of a dead baby and will admit he got the idea from talking to a young David Garrett many years ago. John Key’s true identity will be revealed as Natalie de Groin, a failed jazz singer from Rotterdam who emigrated to New Zealand at the age of twenty-three to escape a life of crime and prostitution. He/she will then resign as leader of the National Party.

In an emergency caucus meeting that afternoon, Paul Quinn will be elected as National’s new leader.

Saturday

A foregone conclusion as the National vote collapses all around the country.

You probably don’t believe any of this, but it really won’t matter in a couple of days what you think, because I’ve also looked into the future to see what is in store for you next week. It’s not looking good, and it’s a terrible shame you won’t be around to enjoy the victory celebrations.

Do you have life insurance, by the way?

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