The Herald’s John Armstrong asks, should we prepare for the zombie apocalypse?

Armstrong is referring to the rise of Winston Peters from the dead, but what he fails to appreciate is that a much more real zombie menace is around the corner.

You may scoff, but I am convinced that all the signs are pointing to a catastrophe if National wins the election tomorrow.

If I were you I would be taking in stocks of fresh water and checking you have lots of batteries, torches, dried food and sharpened stakes.

Because if we wake up on Sunday to a National government, I predict the dead will rise from the graves in their millions, threatening the entire human race.

These undead monsters will have but one goal: to devour our brains!

You don’t believe me. I can tell by the shaking of your head. You think this is just some desperate ploy by a Labour hack to discourage people from voting for National.

Well you may think that, but let me ask you something… how did you pick it?

Was the zombie dawn thing just pushing it too far?

How about a Chinese invasion? That would bring together two very powerful themes: our fear of losing control of our lands and assets to foreigners, and the latent fear of Asians that bubbles away in so many people.

Would that make you change your mind about voting National?

What if I convinced you that National has plans after the election to abolish the environment and replace it with a motorway. Would that work?

Or how about the almost certain fact that if John Key wins another term he will throw off his suit, start wearing a black uniform and grow a moustache, and organise mass National Party rallies up and down Queen Street?

None of this is working, is it? I’ve also tried over the last few months to explore on this blogsite all the very real and lousy things National is doing or has planned, but to no avail. I see then that I must adopt a different stratagem.

I would try bribing you for your vote but apparently that’s illegal, and I’m also told that threatening to do harm to you and your family if you don’t vote as I command may give rise to some less than desirable legal consequences. I’ve always said that our criminal laws are mostly just a lot of red tape nonsense and unnecessary regulation, but I have no choice but to follow the rules.

So if I can’t frighten you into voting Labour, and if I’m not allowed to threaten or bribe you, that really leaves only one tactic…

Please vote Labour.

Please.

Pretty please?

Please, I’m begging you. Please!

Please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please   is this working yet? please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please what about now? please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please.

Please?