A guest post by Kim Jong-un, Supreme Leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, First Secretary of the Workers’ Party of Korea, Supreme Chairman of the Committee for Heroic Dance, Supreme Commander of the Korean People’s Army, First Member of the Supreme Chicken Council, Chairman of the Central Military Commission, Member of the Politburo Presidium, First Chairman of the National Defence Commission, Glittery General of the Shiny Committee for Revolutionary Struggle, Grand Marshal of the Korean People’s Army, Fragrant Defender of the Democratic People’s Revolutionary Convention, and Winner of the North Korean Young Farmer of the Year Competition 1984 – 2013.

I can barely write this post, for all the disgust and loathing that wells up within me.

Was there ever a fouler crime committed? Was there ever a more repulsive nation of liars, thieves, murderers and cowards?

The extravagant dishonesty of those American dogs knows no bounds. The obscene claims made in that worthless propaganda picture Argo, that New Zealand refused to help their criminal spies escape the full fury of Iranian justice, is a lie as filthy as the bestial Hollywood drunks who made the film.

We will no longer tolerate the provocations of those capitalist snakes. Their lies directed against our friends are also daggers aimed at the heart of our glorious Democratic People’s Republic.

An attack upon the heroic friends of the freedom-loving North Korean people is an attack upon the entire world. But we will respond with fire and death! Our mighty fists of righteous fury will smash those reptiles in Hollywood, and all their friends in Washington.

The full might of our enormous nuclear arsenal will soon be unleashed upon those cowards. Those few who survive the annihilation will find themselves crawling on their bellies like maddened rats through the rubble of their smashed cities and towns, and wailing over the broken bodies of their wives and children. But they will know no respite! Our invincible foot-soldiers will swarm across the world, smashing our enemies into a million pieces.

Their cities shall burn to dust and their crops shall wither. Only when we have them on their knees will we stop. Only when all the injuries done to us and our New Zealand friends have been repaid a million million times, and when the chief architect of all their evils, Ben Affleck, has met a just and fitting end.

Prepare to die, infamous Americans! The day has come to cleanse the world of your disease!