Right Thinking: Shizenhausen’s Law

New Zealand’s twelfth-most-trusted conservative commentator, Dr. Frank Shizenhausen, has drafted a bill, and he needs your support.

Having seen John Key demolish that annoying little socialist John Campbell, it’s time for everyone to admit that Key was right all along. He usually is.

But he’s not getting the support he needs to do the good work of governing this country, and he continues to be hounded by pettifogging opposition politicians raising points of no importance to ordinary people. Take this whole GCSB business, for example. So maybe a few of our essential freedoms are being curtailed. But big deal! It’s not like we were using all of them.

The man has promised us a brighter future, but it’s never enough for those parasites on the opposition benches. What John Key needs is the freedom to act without having to concern himself with the arcane and irrelevant legal opinions of various self-appointed experts.

Why won’t these people just leave him be? Guys, just let Mr Key get on with running the country and getting shit done. So we might lose a few of our essential liberties on the way, but Rome wasn’t built in a day, and you can’t throw stones in a glasshouse without breaking a few egg baskets.

I am committed to helping Key fight the good fight against these lawyer types who keep chipping away at him. Like this guy Geoffrey Palmer, or whatever his name is. Had anyone even heard of this guy before the GCSB story became news?

I don’t think it’s enough to push through this GCSB law, because the swines are just going to pore over every word of the new law and twist them in an effort to make life difficult for our spies, and to make sure the terrorists win.

Let me tell you what I think the answer is. We need a new law. We need to remove all the roadblocks preventing our country from achieving its potential. We need to sweep away all the crap stopping shit from getting done.

To make this happen I’ve drafted a bill called (funnily enough) the Getting Shit Done Bill. But I need the support of an MP to take this up as a private member’s bill. Or even better, National could adopt it as their own. I’d be okay with that, so long as I get a mention in the closing credits. Or a knighthood.

The wording probably needs a bit of work, not that we want those lawyers anywhere near it. But I think it mostly works. Here’s the text of the bill.

The Getting Shit Done Bill
The Parliament of New Zealand enacts as follows:

1  Title

This Act is the Getting Shit Done Act.

2  Purpose

The purpose of this Act is to let John Key get shit done.

3  Interpretation

(1) In this Act, unless the context otherwise requires, Prime Minister means John Phillip Key, and nobody else. Certainly not that Labour Party fool.

(2) In this Act, all other shit means whatever the fuck the Prime Minister says it means.

4  Power of determination

(1) In the event of any dispute or controversy arising in relation to the interpretation of any law, the Prime Minister will have the right to determine the matter at his sole discretion. Fuck it, listen to the man!

(2) For the avoidance of doubt:—

(a) the opinions of numerous independent experts will mean jackshit once the Prime Minister has spoken his mind; and

(b) the Prime Minister knows more about all that legal shit than the Law Commission, the Law Society, the Privacy Commissioner, and the Human Rights Commission. They need to STFU.

(3) Upon the Prime Minister making a determination pursuant to subsection (1), no court, tribunal or pointy-headed know-all will have the power to review that determination.

(4) All determinations made under this section 4 will be legally binding and will have the effect of overriding any legislation, regulation, or other crap that gets in the way of getting shit done.

5  The value of a promise

(1) No pledge, promise or commitment made by the Prime Minister will be regarded as a determination under section 4, nor will any such pledge, promise or commitment be binding on the Prime Minister.

(2) Without in any way limiting the application of subsection (1), nothing said by the Prime Minister can be used against him in the future. Don’t go being all “but John Key said…” unless you want a slap.

6 Repeals

If there be some constitutional shit that renders any provision of this Act unenforceable or invalid, then that constitutional shit is hereby abolished, repealed, or made to just go the fuck away.

7 Miscellaneous

In the event that John Phillip Key ceases to be the prime minister of New Zealand for any reason, this Act will be automatically renamed the Democracy Under Attack Act.

[insert closing bullshit here.]

If you’re an MP who wants shit to get done, then get in touch. I need your support on this. Let’s turn this bill into some kickass law, and lets send a message to all those people who reckon they know more than John Key, just because they studied the subject for years and are intimately acquainted with all of the issues. What do those clowns know anyway?

4 thoughts on “Right Thinking: Shizenhausen’s Law

  1. You obviously do not have enough to do at work.

    BTW you forgot to define “Labour Party fool”.

    “Labour Party fool means any member of the Labour Party parliamentary caucus for the time being.”

    There. Happy to be of assistance

  2. You obviously do not have enough to do at work

    I’m not normally working on a Friday night

    But thank you for your valuable contribution to the discussion.

  3. This is all well and good – but shouldn’t there be some sort of express delegation power, such that John Key can authorise Steven Joyce, Gerry Brownlee, Paula Bennett and Judith Collins to also get shit done?

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