Merry Christmas?

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Christmas is a time for peaceful reflection. A time to put away petty grievances, and instead focus on the things that truly matter, like enjoying the company of family and friends.

All things considered, the differences between the left and right in this country aren’t really all that vast. But we tend to forget this when we’re in the thick of battle.

So this Christmas let’s take time to contemplate the things that unite us, rather than focusing on division and conflict.

It doesn’t really matter who you are or who you voted for this year, and where you stand on the left-right spectrum. I wish each and every one of you peace, happiness and joy this Christmas.

Unless you are Cameron Slater. Or any of his Dirty Politics chums, for that matter. You people disgust me.

But Slater and co excepted, I wish you all the very best.

Unless you are John Key. Mr Key, you really ought to be ashamed of yourself. So many children will feel the brutal effects of poverty this Christmas, while your government continues to reward those who already have so much. Shame on you, John Key.

If you are not Cameron Slater, one of his close associates, or the Prime Minister of New Zealand, may you experience the true joy and wonder that come with the festive season.

Except if you happen to also be closely affiliated with the National Party. If you are a National Party MP or senior party member, then you are an enabler of all the terrible things done by this government.

And if you are one of the 48% who voted National in this year’s election, then you also have to take some of the blame. You knew what John Key was about, so why should you be able to just shrug your shoulders and pretend this evil is not your doing? There is a poison running through our political system, and it’s because of scum like you. Hell is too nice a place for you people.

And then there are those who failed to unite behind the opposition leader, or who wasted their vote by going for minor parties with no hope of getting into Parliament. And a good number of you didn’t even bother to vote. May you all suffer miserably this Christmas, because it’s your fault we are forced to endure this reactionary government.

But the rest of you deserve happiness and joy this Christmas. Except for those who disagreed with me this year. Or ever. Did you read something I wrote and think “that guy is so wrong”? Well let me tell you something, buddy. You’re the wrong one. You can take your noxious opinions and stick ‘em where the sun don’t shine. May your festive joy turn to ashes in your mouth.

And to my fellow Labour Party members, I have a few choice words to say. Did you vote for Andrew Little as leader? Why didn’t you tell me he was so good? Oh, you did? Well why didn’t you convince me? Damn your eyes! And those of you who voted for another candidate clearly had no idea what the heck you were doing. May you all experience Christmas misery this year.

Whatever your creed, race or religion, I wish you a wonderful Christmas. Unless you’re a Catholic, because the behaviour of your Pope fills me with dismay. I was sure he would turn out to be a reactionary, but he seems intent on proving me wrong, and I can’t afford for people to think I sometimes make mistakes. And if you’re a Muslim, you need to be doing more to stop ISIS. And if you are a fan of the TV show Downton Abbey and didn’t write in to the producers expressing your disgust that Lord Grantham’s dog was named Isis, you’re just as bad as the terrorists. And if you did write in to the producers of the TV show Downton Abbey about the dog Isis, what the hell is wrong with you? Do you know that they killed the dog off because of all the flack they received about its name? THEY KILLED A DOG BECAUSE OF YOU! You will probably rot in Hell for what you have done, and it’s no more than you deserve.

And to my personal friends and family members. Where were you when I made a fool of myself on the internet again and again? When I needed you to tell me to step away from the keyboard, you let me down. I thought you liked me, but all the time you were spinning your webs, doing all you could to destroy me. Wish you a merry Christmas? I don’t think so.

To every other member of the human race, I wish you would stop. You are ruining the planet with your polluting ways. You are destroying the Earth. You pump harmful carbon dioxide into the atmosphere every time you exhale. You poisonous people are killing my future, so why should you enjoy a pleasant Christmas break?

But to everyone else, I wish you and your family all the very best for this Christmas, and hope you have a peaceful and relaxing New Year.