Bill English’s Guide To Statistics

A short message from Bill English

To those among you experiencing doubts about the competence of this government in light of what appears to be a sequence of negative statistics, let me assure you that all is well.

The statistics show that we are on track!

This guide should help you to better interpret all the supposedly-negative economic and statistical data bombarding you.

The statistics say: Inflation has fallen.

Interpretation: National’s wise and benevolent economic management has seen a drop in the cost of living for all hard-working Kiwis.

The statistics say: Inflation has risen.

Interpretation: National’s wise and benevolent economic management has seen unsurpassed economic growth, and this has put pressure on inflation, but what a nice problem to have!

The statistics say: The rate of unemployment continues to climb.

Interpretation: While Australians continue to slog their guts out, more Kiwis than ever are taking the opportunity to relax and enjoy some downtime. Who is really the Lucky Country?

The statistics say: Violent crime shows no sign of diminishing, despite years of get-tough law and order policies.

Interpretation: What does a statistical analysis know about the pain of losing a loved one to violent crime? How dare you bring rational reasoning to the law and order debate, you criminal-enabler!

The statistics say: The manufacturing sector continues to weaken.

Interpretation: Manufacturing brings a host of complex problems, such as environmental compliance, workforce issues and ACC costs. National is doing away with all that red tape for businesses.

The statistics say: GDP figures show little to no economic growth.

Interpretation: Mumble mumble… Labour’s fault… mumble mumble…

The statistics say: Wage growth is minimal, and we continue to lag behind Australia.

Interpretation: That’s just because you’re looking at the figures the wrong way. I think you’ll find that if you turn the figures inside out and upside down they show that we’re racing ahead of Australia.

The statistics say: The price of fruit and vegetables continues to rise

Interpretation: Fruit and vegetables are for pansies. Get some real meat in you!